As a pastor, I have the privilege of visiting new parents soon after the birth of a child. I also have the privilege of being with families as they prepare for and experience the death of a loved one. The emotions during those two distinct events are usually polar opposites; joy and grief. Just this past week, a friend told me that “grief is the cost of love.” He was correct. To love is to know that loss could come at any moment. We can see an example in the life of our Savior. The Lord Jesus loved His friend Lazarus and was about to raise him from the dead. Yet He stood with the family and friends near the tomb and in the shortest verse in the Bible we are told that Jesus wept. We learn in Scripture that Jesus was a man of sorrows and was acquainted with grief.
We need to allow that to sink in for a moment in light of some other truth we know from Scripture. First, the one who would defeat sin and death wept at Lazarus’ grave. The one who would ensure the resurrection from the dead felt sorrow and experienced grief. What this should do for us is teach us that the experience of sorrow and grief in this life is as normal as breathing. I am reminded at each funeral service I participate in that the day will come when my family and friends will gather somewhere for my service. I am reminded of the friends and family members that have departed this life.
Allow me to make a statement I want you to hold onto. Death is certain and grief is a mercy from God. If indeed grief is a mercy, then how do we experience it and live through it in a way that honors God? The Bible tells us that we as believers in the Lord Jesus grieve, but not as people without the hope the Gospel brings. So our first duty in losing someone we love is to acknowledge that what we are experiencing is real and is painful. We often say of our loved one who dies, “They are in a better place.” But we are still here and we are experiencing the reality of no longer being able to interact with them. They are gone and a void is left. It is no sin to acknowledge the pain and loss that death brings. Allow yourself to feel and express those emotions.
Second, you need friends and family around you. You need the comfort and companionship especially in the days after the death. Avoid thinking you will be fine alone. In the Bible, Job’s friends came and sat with him for days before they ever said a word. Job needed someone to sit with him in his grief and we do as well. Avoid isolating yourself. Third, you need the true comfort of true faith during this time. For the person of faith, distress drives them to God not away from Him. Pray a lot. Read the Bible, especially the Psalms and good Christian literature. Attend church as soon as you are able. The Bible teaches us that God is near to the brokenhearted. Even when you are unaware, God is near to you.
Fourth, take care of yourself. You need proper nutrition, rest, exercise, and activity to aid you in your time of mourning. Take the time that you need. Loss is real. Pain is real. And whether we like it or not, our lives continue even when that loved one has died. But remember to do these things at your own pace. Start as slowly as you need to. But keep going.
Fifth, it is important to give yourself time and grace. Just as we are called as Christians to be patient and compassionate with others, we are to do the same for ourselves. Grief is a very personal experience. Everyone does not grieve the same way or in the same time frame. In a fiction book I read a few years ago, the author made a profound statement about grief. He wrote, “Grief never goes away. Over time, it just grows quiet.” Finally, I would greatly encourage you that when you are ready, find a grief group to join and walk together through the process of healing. It can be a great comfort knowing you are not alone in grieving. There will always be a sense of loss. The scar remains. But the Lord God can and will be a comfort to you.
Joe Tolin pastors the Kingman Presbyterian Church.
