I have been to numerous funerals and memorial services and have officiated at even more. However, few of you attend more than a handful of such occasions and even fewer have had to organize events like these.
I would like to offer a few things to think about in advance that may help you, your family, and your friends, when the sad occasion arrives. This is probably not going to be Emily Post certified, but just the ramblings of a pastor’s heart for times of brokenness.
First, it is important to remember that everyone grieves differently and the traditions and symbolism of funerals can be quite profound and entrenched for many. Some people need to have a deeply liturgical service complete with all the formality that it entails. The spiritual significance of orderly good-byes cannot be underestimated. The pitfall is when the various participants insist on either including or excluding a particular element in the service. My advice is to allow for as many expressions of sorrow (and joy) to be included. Leaving out a favorite hymn because it is too old may be more hurtful for a person already grieving.
Second, choose carefully who will speak on the occasion besides the pastor. Some people are simply unable to pull it off because they are so torn up. Offer to have them write their feelings and have someone who is able to deliver the letter or speeches with some giftedness do so. Try to limit number of those who will share to a representative group meaning friends, family, workmates, clubs, and school mates. Each should be given ample time by at least one person from the group, if requested. Having an open time of sharing for all can happen at a reception. This will show respect for the attendee as some people have left work or other responsibilities to participate.
Third, incorporate some music that is appropriate for not only the deceased, but the attendee as well. Music has a profound effect on our feelings and certain songs can deepen the farewell or hinder it. Also, consider having some live music. Canned music is satisfactory, but nothing beats a heartfelt live performance that sings straight to the heart.
Other types of media are wonderful too but can be overdone. For instance, a video scrapbook of the deceased’s life should not be more than 5-7 minutes in my humble estimation. After that, it may seem a bit self-aggrandizing or blatantly unhealthy. Everyone who attends wants a snapshot because they care, but an over-the-top tribute can be distracting.
Finally, in times of grief we are asked to do so much, to decide so much, and provide so much. Death can happen so quickly and the personal pressures of separation and loss combined with an inordinate amount of time sensitive duties can be overwhelming. It is my hope that you have a church family that can stand in the gap for you, help you with logistics, pray with and for you, and assist you in the sundry aspects of funeral planning. You should also know that our local mortuaries are wonderful and have a sympathetic staff that can guide you through the structural parts of caring for the deceased.
One closing thought; death reminds all of us of our mortality. For people of faith, there is a sense of comfort and assurance that carries us through with hope for tomorrow. It can also be a time when overly religious well-meaning friends and family members can become preachy, condescending, and judgmental. Try with all your might to avoid this pitfall. Numerous people have vowed never to embrace God’s comfort exactly because of this misplaced zeal. Let the pastor do his job. If he is worth his salt, then he will guide the hearts of the listeners to consider the implications of death and the hope that is available to all by faith.
Kent Simmons is the pastor of Canyon Community Church in Kingman, AZ.
